to desire God's will
27 September 2006
“God must have His own way of doing things; I can not do otherwise but conform to it because of the overwhelming love that flows through it.”
After six weeks of Clinical Pastoral Education experience at the Philippine General Hospital, I was able to utter this realization. I just could not contain the overwhelming feelings brought about by my encounter with my God through the experiences I had with all the people I met and journeyed with during the whole program – the patients, the medical team and hospital staff, the CPE supervisor, my classmates and others. Through them and through my personal encounters with God in my prayer, I am graced with these realizations, reflections and insights.
My vocation. I was challenged and came up with a realization, which was particularly triggered by my encounter with a patient in ward 3, Tay Fermin, who challenged me by his opinion about priesthood as a “waste of time.” I realized “… God is making his way for me to confront my own ambivalence about his calling, and the uncertainty of my desire to respond to it. I take it as a graced opportunity for me so that I realize that now is the time - not later, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year, not after an undetermined length of time – to consider things in life and face whatever God prompts me. I am not getting any younger; I am past 25.”[1]
My personal issues, behavior, sickness and God. “My personal issues will always be my personal issues. What changes is my perspective in looking at those issues. And, after becoming conscious of these issues and where they come from, it is my decision to let go of the unconscious attachments that govern my behavior. Changes in human behavior follows after the changes in the understanding [cognition] of one’s own issues by looking into their deep-seated sources [especially childhood] and the decisions made [will] to grow and not be ruled over by one’s own “inner-child dynamics.”
“Keeping in mind and heart that God’s love is the ultimate reason why I am doing all of these powers me to move and keep going despite all the antagonizing situations in life like sickness.”[2]
Regarding lack of openness. “Finding a hard time undergoing the experience processing is not due to the difficulty in identifying issues but to the unwillingness to accept and open oneself to the grace of being “operated on and cured.” It is mainly because it involves great pain, even death to oneself.
“After the first processing, it was identified that I am not as open as I should have been. Because of such identification I was able to look back to myself and dig deeper to find the reason/s why such behavior. When something was found out I could not believe that I am not done yet worrying about my past problems and anxieties. Slowly I realized they could never be banished because to take them away would mean to throw my whole person into the pit of inhumanity. That is its sad part, but “thou shall not worry, Roy” because it could be managed so that it may become an opportunity for grace, where the Lord can work and realize his will.
“Indeed, taking the steps necessary to face my self entails making great sacrifice, taking great risks, and swallowing all the pain it may cause. I may be exaggerating my case but that’s how I feel it was.
“What could be more difficult than not knowing that one is not open, than not knowing, if not denying, of one’s own unwillingness to disclose? What could be more disastrous than being clueless of one’s own failure to give oneself? It is when it seemed everything has been done; everything has been given, exhausted.
“But, what is the other side of it is the grace it carries which would bring the person liberation from the bondage of unnecessary worries, of undesired and unexpected emotions. It would be the deepest joy a person could experience for letting go of those that hold one back and make one conceal the true self.
“The tip I got: “Bring nothing than self; no defense, and no cover.” Let the Lord work on and heal that self.”[3]
About lack of seriousness. “It hurts to be told of being not serious. I am. But, yes, the fact that I am affected by the statement proves that there’s something in it that I have to look into. I have to face it, feel it, evaluate, accept and do something about it. And, what’s the greatest consolation about submitting my self into the process? Being liberated; being freed from the bondage of swift emotion, the snares of past-obsession and the burden they bring to the detriment of my person.
“I believe this is not the end of it all. Life is a continuous process of discovering and rediscovering one’s true identity, recognizing it and living to its fullest and allowing the Lord to be its ultimate rule. This process lasts from womb to tomb. This leads me to believe that there is more to discover further on in life, and the challenge goes to keep myself open to the grace this life process brings.
“As much as it is a process, life takes the pace of time. Twenty-five long years of person formation could not be reverted in just a wink of an eye, but transformation won’t happen either without the first moment of making the move. And, it is NOW. Start it piece by piece.
“Life is not a joke. Give it the importance it deserves because it happens only once. That’s how precious it is. Give it your best, Roy. Be humble to accept what life offers. Be vulnerable to be broken. Be open to be healed. Let the Lord take the rein of your heart, Roy.”[4]
“It was identified in the first round of processing that I had the difficulty in undergoing the process. It was further discovered that I was somehow avoiding talking about something that I have been denying even to myself. Something that all the while I was thinking it was over, yet deep within a seed of suppressed, if not repressed, feeling of anger and guilt has been creeping and growing into a big bush that covered the self, keeping it from being explored. This resulted to a kind of personal behavioral paralysis that makes me unable to open up myself and be subjected to scrutiny in order to be helped. When I asked myself what is in that “something” that I am avoiding it, I realized I do not know how to manage the pain that the feeling of anger and guilt brings. I am afraid I would lose my sanity if I let myself being hurt by undergoing such emotion.
“The personal behavioral paralysis being referred to is equally considered a great effect with the next point I am dishing out [which has also been pointed out earlier], lack of seriousness in life. I become conscious that this has been my coping mechanism to avoid pain. I tend to make things light and easy to carry. I would laugh at my mistakes and mishaps. I avoid the things that would bring difficulty and unease. As much as possible, I would take the happiest and easiest moments and tasks. It is not that I don’t want to be serious; it’s just that life is but once, so why do I make it sad and lonely? This was the system that has ruled over me so that I was named not serious in life.
“Relationships are not excused. I am questioned of not investing so that relationships for me seem easy to dispatch. I deny it. I am investing in every relationship that I have. Trust and love are the most important investments I put into a relationship. But, why is there discovered in my relationships a pattern of having no “closure,” just fading away? I realized it is not that I am not hurt losing a relationship; it is the pain itself that I don’t want to feel so that I set it aside. Aggravating the situation, I tend to start a new relationship or its counterpart to continue the beautiful moments and experiences I lost in the previous one, whatever face they have. Consequently, there go a number of “unfinished” relationships.
“The root cause of my behavioral pattern of avoiding pain has been identified in an “inner-child dynamics behavior” that I got from my parent, particularly my father who said “Don’t cry for someone who passes away because we are sure he/she’s in God’s care, instead cry for those who are yet to take on a big change in life like marrying because their agony is yet to come.” And, it was reinforced by my mother who showed no sign of vulnerability in raising us despite her being a single parent. From this I was not able to learn how to be vulnerable; I did not really know what to cry for.”[5]
My strength and my weakness, in general. “After I shared all these to Fr. Rector when he asked me how I am doing in the CPE, he gave some advice and I could not forget some of his lines. Intolerance to pain is a weakness, but it is a weakness that comes from strength. Being happy is the way I survive in my life and I should give credit to it. The aim here is not take away the strength that I have. Optimism, seeing the brighter side of everything, is a priceless gift and it should not be given up. The goal is to go for balance. The reality of life is not purely happy moments and good experiences. It consists of sufferings, sad, lonely and painful situations and experiences, too, so that the challenge is not to go away from them, but face and learn from them. They make my life even stronger and more in touch with humanity. Eventually, they take me closer to Him who takes care of me and carries me towards healing!”[6]
Back to the basic question. “What do I really want? Which path should I take? Am I really determined to become a priest? Or am I called to leave the idea behind and start my life outside priesthood? Which does God really will for me to take on?”
“Whenever I check this matter, it has been here inside me yet I am not able to come to an end and make my commitment. Because this has not been clear to me yet, I did not have clear direction too in my life so that many more things in my life have been affected and paralyzed. What would help me in this, I believe, is to pray that my own desire and Gods plan meet so that everything else would follow and become clear to me.
“Actually, I realize that the answer to my questions does not depend so much on me, on what I think should be, but on what God is telling me and letting me feel in my heart so that whenever I find difficulty in facing the whole reality of my choice, inclusive of both joys and pains, I could always go back to his assurance of love and healing, not only in my mind but most especially in my heart. It is always good to go back to the times that God worked on me to fill up my limitations. That once my heart has been wounded and God has cured it, and assured me to take care of its healing. What he needs me to realize is I am filled with that love and kept in its warmth.
“Therefore, this matter is more of God’s work than mine. I would let God reveal it to me in time. Consequently, I asked myself what is urgently needed for me to do something about. I realize it is for me to make myself open to God’s promptings that have been coming before me. God has been working already to answer those questions laid above and my part is to be aware of and cooperate with the Holy Spirit’s guidance, whatever it takes to do it. It is for me to take responsibility and not just let things be when I am prompted to make decisions and take actions. It is for me to be conscious that I got a big chunk of the accountability for each other that God gave to all men. I am accountable for all my actions and decisions to myself, to others and ultimately to God.
“By the grace of God, I would now take the responsibility of doing my part. Though many times I fail to realize it, God never fails.”[7]
[1] From my CPE Verbatim No. 2, Theological Reflection/Insight.
[2] From my CPE Final Evaluation.
[3] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 3.
[4] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 2.
[5] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 4.
[6] Also from my CPE Reflections – Wk 4.
[7] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 5.
“God must have His own way of doing things; I can not do otherwise but conform to it because of the overwhelming love that flows through it.”
After six weeks of Clinical Pastoral Education experience at the Philippine General Hospital, I was able to utter this realization. I just could not contain the overwhelming feelings brought about by my encounter with my God through the experiences I had with all the people I met and journeyed with during the whole program – the patients, the medical team and hospital staff, the CPE supervisor, my classmates and others. Through them and through my personal encounters with God in my prayer, I am graced with these realizations, reflections and insights.
My vocation. I was challenged and came up with a realization, which was particularly triggered by my encounter with a patient in ward 3, Tay Fermin, who challenged me by his opinion about priesthood as a “waste of time.” I realized “… God is making his way for me to confront my own ambivalence about his calling, and the uncertainty of my desire to respond to it. I take it as a graced opportunity for me so that I realize that now is the time - not later, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year, not after an undetermined length of time – to consider things in life and face whatever God prompts me. I am not getting any younger; I am past 25.”[1]
My personal issues, behavior, sickness and God. “My personal issues will always be my personal issues. What changes is my perspective in looking at those issues. And, after becoming conscious of these issues and where they come from, it is my decision to let go of the unconscious attachments that govern my behavior. Changes in human behavior follows after the changes in the understanding [cognition] of one’s own issues by looking into their deep-seated sources [especially childhood] and the decisions made [will] to grow and not be ruled over by one’s own “inner-child dynamics.”
“Keeping in mind and heart that God’s love is the ultimate reason why I am doing all of these powers me to move and keep going despite all the antagonizing situations in life like sickness.”[2]
Regarding lack of openness. “Finding a hard time undergoing the experience processing is not due to the difficulty in identifying issues but to the unwillingness to accept and open oneself to the grace of being “operated on and cured.” It is mainly because it involves great pain, even death to oneself.
“After the first processing, it was identified that I am not as open as I should have been. Because of such identification I was able to look back to myself and dig deeper to find the reason/s why such behavior. When something was found out I could not believe that I am not done yet worrying about my past problems and anxieties. Slowly I realized they could never be banished because to take them away would mean to throw my whole person into the pit of inhumanity. That is its sad part, but “thou shall not worry, Roy” because it could be managed so that it may become an opportunity for grace, where the Lord can work and realize his will.
“Indeed, taking the steps necessary to face my self entails making great sacrifice, taking great risks, and swallowing all the pain it may cause. I may be exaggerating my case but that’s how I feel it was.
“What could be more difficult than not knowing that one is not open, than not knowing, if not denying, of one’s own unwillingness to disclose? What could be more disastrous than being clueless of one’s own failure to give oneself? It is when it seemed everything has been done; everything has been given, exhausted.
“But, what is the other side of it is the grace it carries which would bring the person liberation from the bondage of unnecessary worries, of undesired and unexpected emotions. It would be the deepest joy a person could experience for letting go of those that hold one back and make one conceal the true self.
“The tip I got: “Bring nothing than self; no defense, and no cover.” Let the Lord work on and heal that self.”[3]
About lack of seriousness. “It hurts to be told of being not serious. I am. But, yes, the fact that I am affected by the statement proves that there’s something in it that I have to look into. I have to face it, feel it, evaluate, accept and do something about it. And, what’s the greatest consolation about submitting my self into the process? Being liberated; being freed from the bondage of swift emotion, the snares of past-obsession and the burden they bring to the detriment of my person.
“I believe this is not the end of it all. Life is a continuous process of discovering and rediscovering one’s true identity, recognizing it and living to its fullest and allowing the Lord to be its ultimate rule. This process lasts from womb to tomb. This leads me to believe that there is more to discover further on in life, and the challenge goes to keep myself open to the grace this life process brings.
“As much as it is a process, life takes the pace of time. Twenty-five long years of person formation could not be reverted in just a wink of an eye, but transformation won’t happen either without the first moment of making the move. And, it is NOW. Start it piece by piece.
“Life is not a joke. Give it the importance it deserves because it happens only once. That’s how precious it is. Give it your best, Roy. Be humble to accept what life offers. Be vulnerable to be broken. Be open to be healed. Let the Lord take the rein of your heart, Roy.”[4]
“It was identified in the first round of processing that I had the difficulty in undergoing the process. It was further discovered that I was somehow avoiding talking about something that I have been denying even to myself. Something that all the while I was thinking it was over, yet deep within a seed of suppressed, if not repressed, feeling of anger and guilt has been creeping and growing into a big bush that covered the self, keeping it from being explored. This resulted to a kind of personal behavioral paralysis that makes me unable to open up myself and be subjected to scrutiny in order to be helped. When I asked myself what is in that “something” that I am avoiding it, I realized I do not know how to manage the pain that the feeling of anger and guilt brings. I am afraid I would lose my sanity if I let myself being hurt by undergoing such emotion.
“The personal behavioral paralysis being referred to is equally considered a great effect with the next point I am dishing out [which has also been pointed out earlier], lack of seriousness in life. I become conscious that this has been my coping mechanism to avoid pain. I tend to make things light and easy to carry. I would laugh at my mistakes and mishaps. I avoid the things that would bring difficulty and unease. As much as possible, I would take the happiest and easiest moments and tasks. It is not that I don’t want to be serious; it’s just that life is but once, so why do I make it sad and lonely? This was the system that has ruled over me so that I was named not serious in life.
“Relationships are not excused. I am questioned of not investing so that relationships for me seem easy to dispatch. I deny it. I am investing in every relationship that I have. Trust and love are the most important investments I put into a relationship. But, why is there discovered in my relationships a pattern of having no “closure,” just fading away? I realized it is not that I am not hurt losing a relationship; it is the pain itself that I don’t want to feel so that I set it aside. Aggravating the situation, I tend to start a new relationship or its counterpart to continue the beautiful moments and experiences I lost in the previous one, whatever face they have. Consequently, there go a number of “unfinished” relationships.
“The root cause of my behavioral pattern of avoiding pain has been identified in an “inner-child dynamics behavior” that I got from my parent, particularly my father who said “Don’t cry for someone who passes away because we are sure he/she’s in God’s care, instead cry for those who are yet to take on a big change in life like marrying because their agony is yet to come.” And, it was reinforced by my mother who showed no sign of vulnerability in raising us despite her being a single parent. From this I was not able to learn how to be vulnerable; I did not really know what to cry for.”[5]
My strength and my weakness, in general. “After I shared all these to Fr. Rector when he asked me how I am doing in the CPE, he gave some advice and I could not forget some of his lines. Intolerance to pain is a weakness, but it is a weakness that comes from strength. Being happy is the way I survive in my life and I should give credit to it. The aim here is not take away the strength that I have. Optimism, seeing the brighter side of everything, is a priceless gift and it should not be given up. The goal is to go for balance. The reality of life is not purely happy moments and good experiences. It consists of sufferings, sad, lonely and painful situations and experiences, too, so that the challenge is not to go away from them, but face and learn from them. They make my life even stronger and more in touch with humanity. Eventually, they take me closer to Him who takes care of me and carries me towards healing!”[6]
Back to the basic question. “What do I really want? Which path should I take? Am I really determined to become a priest? Or am I called to leave the idea behind and start my life outside priesthood? Which does God really will for me to take on?”
“Whenever I check this matter, it has been here inside me yet I am not able to come to an end and make my commitment. Because this has not been clear to me yet, I did not have clear direction too in my life so that many more things in my life have been affected and paralyzed. What would help me in this, I believe, is to pray that my own desire and Gods plan meet so that everything else would follow and become clear to me.
“Actually, I realize that the answer to my questions does not depend so much on me, on what I think should be, but on what God is telling me and letting me feel in my heart so that whenever I find difficulty in facing the whole reality of my choice, inclusive of both joys and pains, I could always go back to his assurance of love and healing, not only in my mind but most especially in my heart. It is always good to go back to the times that God worked on me to fill up my limitations. That once my heart has been wounded and God has cured it, and assured me to take care of its healing. What he needs me to realize is I am filled with that love and kept in its warmth.
“Therefore, this matter is more of God’s work than mine. I would let God reveal it to me in time. Consequently, I asked myself what is urgently needed for me to do something about. I realize it is for me to make myself open to God’s promptings that have been coming before me. God has been working already to answer those questions laid above and my part is to be aware of and cooperate with the Holy Spirit’s guidance, whatever it takes to do it. It is for me to take responsibility and not just let things be when I am prompted to make decisions and take actions. It is for me to be conscious that I got a big chunk of the accountability for each other that God gave to all men. I am accountable for all my actions and decisions to myself, to others and ultimately to God.
“By the grace of God, I would now take the responsibility of doing my part. Though many times I fail to realize it, God never fails.”[7]
[1] From my CPE Verbatim No. 2, Theological Reflection/Insight.
[2] From my CPE Final Evaluation.
[3] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 3.
[4] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 2.
[5] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 4.
[6] Also from my CPE Reflections – Wk 4.
[7] From my CPE Reflections – Wk 5.
posted by Roy at 12:17 PM
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