towards healing
[CPE reflection - wk 4, 11 sept. '06]
Four weeks has gone yet I seem not able to contain in myself anymore the abundance of blessings bestowed on me and graces answered. Self discoveries, confirmations, affirmations and realizations were coming profusely.
When I was praying and preparing on Sunday morning for the visit of Fr. Rector in Xavier House, I was able to reflect on a couple of points that would somehow capture the whole four weeks that has happened to me in this Clinical Pastoral Education – lack openness to the CPE process, lack of seriousness in life, and unfinished relationships. These three points are closely connected to each other because of the common root that generated these issues – the intolerance to pain.
It was identified in the first round of processing that I had the difficulty in undergoing the process. It was further discovered that I was somehow avoiding talking about something that I have been denying even to myself. Something that all the while I was thinking it was over, yet deep within a seed of suppressed, if not repressed, feeling of anger and guilt has been creeping and growing into a big bush that covered the self, keeping it from being explored. This resulted to a kind of personal behavioral paralysis that makes me unable to open up myself and be subjected to scrutiny in order to be helped. When I asked myself what is in that “something” that I am avoiding it, I realized I do not know how to manage the pain that the feeling of anger and guilt brings. I am afraid I would lose my sanity if I let myself being hurt by undergoing such emotion.
The personal behavioral paralysis being referred to is equally considered a great effect with the next point I am dishing up, lack of seriousness in life. I become conscious that this has been my coping mechanism to avoid pain. I tend to make things light and easy to carry. I would laugh at my mistakes and mishaps. I avoid the things that would bring difficulty and unease. As much as possible, I would take the happiest and easiest moments and tasks. It is not that I don’t want to be serious; it’s just that life is but once, so why do make it sad and lonely? This was the system that has ruled over me so that I was named not serious in life.
Relationships are not excused. I am questioned of not being investing so that relationships for me are easy to dispatch. I deny it. I am investing in every relationship that I have. Trust and love are the most important investments I put into a relationship. But, why is there discovered in my relationships a pattern of having no “closure,” just fading away? Again I realized it is not that I am not hurt losing a relationship; it is the pain itself that I don’t want to feel so that I set it aside. Aggravating the situation, I tend to start a new relationship or its counterpart to continue the beautiful moments and experiences I lost in the previous one, whatever face they have. Consequently, there go a number of “unfinished” relationships.
The root cause of my behavioral pattern of avoiding pain has been identified in an “inner-child dynamics behavior” that I got from my parent, particularly my father who said “Don’t cry for someone who passes away because we are sure he/she’s in God’s care, instead cry for those who are yet to take on a big change in life like marrying because their agony is yet to come.” And, it was reinforced by my mother who showed no sign of vulnerability in raising us despite her being a single parent. From this I was not able to learn how to be vulnerable; I did not really know what to cry for.
After I shared all these to Fr. Rector when he asked me how I am doing in the CPE, he gave some advice and I could not forget some of his lines. Intolerance to pain is a weakness, but it is a weakness that comes from strength. Being happy is the way I survive in my life and I should give credit to it. The aim here is not take away the strength that I have. Optimism, seeing the brighter side of everything, is a priceless gift and it should not be given up. The goal is to go for balance. The reality of life is not purely happy moments and good experiences. It consists of sufferings, sad, lonely and painful situations and experiences, too, so that the challenge is not to go away from them, but face and learn from them. They make my life even stronger and more in touch with humanity. Eventually, they take me closer to Him who takes care of me and carries me towards healing!
Four weeks has gone yet I seem not able to contain in myself anymore the abundance of blessings bestowed on me and graces answered. Self discoveries, confirmations, affirmations and realizations were coming profusely.
When I was praying and preparing on Sunday morning for the visit of Fr. Rector in Xavier House, I was able to reflect on a couple of points that would somehow capture the whole four weeks that has happened to me in this Clinical Pastoral Education – lack openness to the CPE process, lack of seriousness in life, and unfinished relationships. These three points are closely connected to each other because of the common root that generated these issues – the intolerance to pain.
It was identified in the first round of processing that I had the difficulty in undergoing the process. It was further discovered that I was somehow avoiding talking about something that I have been denying even to myself. Something that all the while I was thinking it was over, yet deep within a seed of suppressed, if not repressed, feeling of anger and guilt has been creeping and growing into a big bush that covered the self, keeping it from being explored. This resulted to a kind of personal behavioral paralysis that makes me unable to open up myself and be subjected to scrutiny in order to be helped. When I asked myself what is in that “something” that I am avoiding it, I realized I do not know how to manage the pain that the feeling of anger and guilt brings. I am afraid I would lose my sanity if I let myself being hurt by undergoing such emotion.
The personal behavioral paralysis being referred to is equally considered a great effect with the next point I am dishing up, lack of seriousness in life. I become conscious that this has been my coping mechanism to avoid pain. I tend to make things light and easy to carry. I would laugh at my mistakes and mishaps. I avoid the things that would bring difficulty and unease. As much as possible, I would take the happiest and easiest moments and tasks. It is not that I don’t want to be serious; it’s just that life is but once, so why do make it sad and lonely? This was the system that has ruled over me so that I was named not serious in life.
Relationships are not excused. I am questioned of not being investing so that relationships for me are easy to dispatch. I deny it. I am investing in every relationship that I have. Trust and love are the most important investments I put into a relationship. But, why is there discovered in my relationships a pattern of having no “closure,” just fading away? Again I realized it is not that I am not hurt losing a relationship; it is the pain itself that I don’t want to feel so that I set it aside. Aggravating the situation, I tend to start a new relationship or its counterpart to continue the beautiful moments and experiences I lost in the previous one, whatever face they have. Consequently, there go a number of “unfinished” relationships.
The root cause of my behavioral pattern of avoiding pain has been identified in an “inner-child dynamics behavior” that I got from my parent, particularly my father who said “Don’t cry for someone who passes away because we are sure he/she’s in God’s care, instead cry for those who are yet to take on a big change in life like marrying because their agony is yet to come.” And, it was reinforced by my mother who showed no sign of vulnerability in raising us despite her being a single parent. From this I was not able to learn how to be vulnerable; I did not really know what to cry for.
After I shared all these to Fr. Rector when he asked me how I am doing in the CPE, he gave some advice and I could not forget some of his lines. Intolerance to pain is a weakness, but it is a weakness that comes from strength. Being happy is the way I survive in my life and I should give credit to it. The aim here is not take away the strength that I have. Optimism, seeing the brighter side of everything, is a priceless gift and it should not be given up. The goal is to go for balance. The reality of life is not purely happy moments and good experiences. It consists of sufferings, sad, lonely and painful situations and experiences, too, so that the challenge is not to go away from them, but face and learn from them. They make my life even stronger and more in touch with humanity. Eventually, they take me closer to Him who takes care of me and carries me towards healing!
posted by Roy at 3:05 PM
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