break it!
[CPE reflection - wk 1, 21 Aug. '06]
Four days of visiting the patients, morning and afternoon – wow! I thank God for giving me the grace to survive it. I know by the very start that I have the difficulty in dwelling on difficult situation and that if I could not avoid it I tend to turn it into a lighter and easy one, at least it would seem. But, the whole week turned out positively. I was able to take the break on the second day and that started my journey in accompanying sick people and feeling how they feel.
For the first week was a mixed feeling of fear and of excitement. I was afraid I would freak out, although I had not experienced it yet, if I would force myself to stay in stressful situation. Watching people feeling the pain brought by their illness is very hard. Although, I was excited to observe myself deal with difficulties and discovering new responses to certain situations. This was another way of seeing myself, another angle of my portrait, another way to appreciate how God painted my life into me.
During those four days, I was able to have a deep sharing with at least two patients – Fermin Montanez and Lea Golondrina. Both are 62 years old. I consider it grace from God, and not mere accident, that they were the ones I encountered with personal dialogue. They represented my parents. Tay Fermin made me reminiscent of my father, whom I missed so much. Nay Lea reminded of a great and strong woman in my mother, who was successful in raising children as single parent.
Another significant thing about Tay Fermin was his constant questioning of my desire to become a priest. He was always saying that priesthood was only for those who are asleep. In three visits I made for him, never did he fail to tell me to wake up. “Sayang ka Brother Roy, wala kang silbi sa pagpapari!” The statement jolted me, and somehow triggered me to defend priesthood, that it is not “walang silbi.” But, I did not have the courage to do it because, ironically, I felt at that moment I am not convinced of myself to pursue priesthood.
Many modules have gone and still, this issue keeps coming back. The basic question of my desire to become a priest haunts me right from the start of SPFY, in Life-Story Sharing, in Life-Space Diagram Sharing, in Journal Writing Workshop, in Enneagram Seminar, in Psycho-Spiritual Integration Seminar Workshop, in Urban Poor Exposure, in Genogram Workshop, in Sexuality Seminar, and until in this CPE.
I remember one of the graces I ask from God through SPFY is clarity of his call. That after SPFY, hopefully, I would be able to make out which path of life he wills for me. God’s response to my prayer is very overwhelming. Every now and then I am prompted with the basic question and led to realize in every prompting an aspect to the answer I am asking.
Providentially, even terrible situations in Ward 3 have turned out to be a blessing for me to find out God’s bits of answers to my quest for His will for me. It is like a bottle waiting to be broken to discover the message it contains.
I just pray I could break it.
Four days of visiting the patients, morning and afternoon – wow! I thank God for giving me the grace to survive it. I know by the very start that I have the difficulty in dwelling on difficult situation and that if I could not avoid it I tend to turn it into a lighter and easy one, at least it would seem. But, the whole week turned out positively. I was able to take the break on the second day and that started my journey in accompanying sick people and feeling how they feel.
For the first week was a mixed feeling of fear and of excitement. I was afraid I would freak out, although I had not experienced it yet, if I would force myself to stay in stressful situation. Watching people feeling the pain brought by their illness is very hard. Although, I was excited to observe myself deal with difficulties and discovering new responses to certain situations. This was another way of seeing myself, another angle of my portrait, another way to appreciate how God painted my life into me.
During those four days, I was able to have a deep sharing with at least two patients – Fermin Montanez and Lea Golondrina. Both are 62 years old. I consider it grace from God, and not mere accident, that they were the ones I encountered with personal dialogue. They represented my parents. Tay Fermin made me reminiscent of my father, whom I missed so much. Nay Lea reminded of a great and strong woman in my mother, who was successful in raising children as single parent.
Another significant thing about Tay Fermin was his constant questioning of my desire to become a priest. He was always saying that priesthood was only for those who are asleep. In three visits I made for him, never did he fail to tell me to wake up. “Sayang ka Brother Roy, wala kang silbi sa pagpapari!” The statement jolted me, and somehow triggered me to defend priesthood, that it is not “walang silbi.” But, I did not have the courage to do it because, ironically, I felt at that moment I am not convinced of myself to pursue priesthood.
Many modules have gone and still, this issue keeps coming back. The basic question of my desire to become a priest haunts me right from the start of SPFY, in Life-Story Sharing, in Life-Space Diagram Sharing, in Journal Writing Workshop, in Enneagram Seminar, in Psycho-Spiritual Integration Seminar Workshop, in Urban Poor Exposure, in Genogram Workshop, in Sexuality Seminar, and until in this CPE.
I remember one of the graces I ask from God through SPFY is clarity of his call. That after SPFY, hopefully, I would be able to make out which path of life he wills for me. God’s response to my prayer is very overwhelming. Every now and then I am prompted with the basic question and led to realize in every prompting an aspect to the answer I am asking.
Providentially, even terrible situations in Ward 3 have turned out to be a blessing for me to find out God’s bits of answers to my quest for His will for me. It is like a bottle waiting to be broken to discover the message it contains.
I just pray I could break it.
posted by Roy at 2:37 PM
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